Do the revisions improve the clarity of the ideas

Reference no: EM133630512

Original:

While reflecting on Nicholas D. Kristof's insights in "Security and Freedom," we progress through historical moments where leaders grappled with crises by prioritizing security at the expense of civil liberties. Kristof notes, "President Bush is honoring a hallowed American tradition of jacking up security in crises." This historical reference provides context for the enduring struggle and sets the stage for understanding the various dynamics of our freedom and security tightrope.

David D. Haynes' exploration in "Liberty vs. Security: An Old Debate Renewed in the Age of Terror" introduces the legislative battleground where security persons clash with libertarians. Haynes highlights the comparison stating, "The bill has split Republicans into two main camps, libertarians who favor curtailing or ending the program and security hawks who want to keep it." The USA Freedom Act takes center stage revealing a delicate dance between privacy and surveillance. The debate surrounding Aunt Margie's phone records becomes symptomatic of a larger societal disagreement.

Revised:

Reflecting on Nicholas D. Kristof's insights in "Security and Freedom," we progress through historical moments where leaders grappled with crises by prioritizing security at the expense of civil liberties. Kristof notes, "President Bush is honoring a hallowed American tradition of jacking up security in crises." This historical reference provides context for the enduring struggle and sets the stage for understanding the various dynamics of our freedom and security tightrope.

In David D. Haynes' exploration, "Liberty vs. Security: An Old Debate Renewed in the Age of Terror," we enter the legislative battleground where security persons clash with libertarians. Haynes highlights the comparison, stating, "The bill has split Republicans into two main camps: libertarians who favor curtailing or ending the program and security hawks who want to keep it." The USA Freedom Act takes center stage, revealing a delicate dance between privacy and surveillance. The debate surrounding Aunt Margie's phone records becomes symptomatic of a larger societal disagreement.

Question:

Review the original and revised paragraphs your classmates and comment on the effectiveness of the revisions. Here are a few things you might consider when writing your responses:

Do the revisions improve the clarity of the ideas? If so, how? If not, why not?
Is the use of semicolons and colons correct? Are they used effectively?
Are the transition words used in the revised paragraphs appropriate? If so, why? If not, suggest alternative transition words.
What insight about paragraphing and transitions in writing have you gained by reviewing your classmate's post?
What insight might you offer your classmate regarding paragraphing and transitions in writing?

Reference no: EM133630512

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